Self-love - the small actions of everyday life

The word “self-love” is increasingly appearing in our everyday language: “Increase your self-love”; “Love begins with you”; “The way you talk to yourself, shapes your world.”

But what do we really mean by self-love?

Definition of self-love

Self-love is literally the love for yourself. Loving yourself. "To love" is a verb, so your behavior toward yourself is self-love. And not just your words (think "I'm good enough the way I am"), but your actions in daily life. The boundaries you set for yourself and others. Responding with understanding when something doesn't work out the way you planned. Nourishing yourself with what nourishes you: food, exercise, books, podcasts, people who recognize your worth, nature.

What about the development of self-love?

As babies, we lack the reflection and cognitive capacity to feel self-love. Love and self-esteem are completely dependent on our caregivers. If they provide what we need, we feel happy, calm, and safe. If not, fear, sadness, and frustration arise. Later, we develop an awareness that our own behavior has consequences, namely how others react to us. Based on the reactions we receive to our behavior, we quickly draw conclusions about ourselves as children: "Oh yeah, Mommy reacts this way because I'm not good enough. I have to do what others expect, otherwise I'm not worthy." And also, "I'm allowed to show my feelings, so Iam okay." And so on.

* Photo from Canva.com

What has been learned can also be unlearned

What a liberation! Because if we've ever learned to think and feel negatively about ourselves, we can unlearn it. The first step is becoming aware of your thought patterns.

1. Become aware of strict internal rules that you maintain:

   - I have to… otherwise…

   - Others only love me when I…

   - I am not allowed to…

2. Notice the rules that arise from low self-esteem, namely…

   - I don't deserve love and attention.

   - My needs are not important.

   - I'm a burden if I ask for help.

   - …..

3. Become aware of the rules you have that relate to setting boundaries

   - I can't say no, (or I'll be abandoned).

   - I have to keep everyone friendly.

   - If anyone is angry, it's my fault.

   - ….

4. Rules that keep you small

   - I must not stand out.

   - I'm not allowed to take up space.

   - I shouldn't exaggerate so much.

   - ….

Write your rules down on paper, and over the next few days, keep observing how many more rules there are. Often, it's in the very small, everyday moments. Rules were once made, and can therefore be changed. Take a moment to consider what your life would look like if your rules came from self-love. Write down the rules arising from self-love.

The small invisible steps give the biggest gains

We often think, "Gosh, it's so much, where do I start?" Or, "okay, if I just stop thinking badly about myself, then I'll love myself." And later, you feel frustrated because it doesn't work out. Self-love is a journey and starts with very small steps. Namely, the extra 5 minutes you give yourself during your break. It could be a smoothie you make every day because you love it so much. It could be the book you've been dying to read. Or it could be that cup of coffee with that friend who makes you feel so good. It's the loving and understanding words when something doesn't work out. What will you start with? For me, the first step was buying a bunch of flowers at the market. I always told everyone what a waste having flowers at home is. They look beautiful for a while and then quickly break – waste. The result? I never got any flowers. And yet, I increasingly found myself at the market thinking, "Oh, they're really beautiful. The colors would look great in my living room." And then I started buying a bunch of flowers occasionally. And every time, I whispered to myself, "You're worth it, you too can enjoy this." I keep thinking about it because it really shows me that it's not about the big things, but the little things you secretly want so badly, but don't give yourself the time and space for.

To all the small acts of self-love, have fun with it!!!

Love, Kristin